Have you ever looked at everyone you know and wondered what is different between your life and theirs that allows them to be so much happier? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not depressed or anything. I just feel… blah. It’s just that nothing really affects me anymore or makes me go “Wow!” …I miss that. I mean there are obviously little things that I find cool but it doesn’t usually last more than a day.

In other news, I’m working on starting a band. Hopefully that will be a good outlet for frustrations and a way for me to express some of the things I’ve been struggling with for a long time now. Should be good therapy haha.

i wish i could explain to people why i am the way i am. it’s not as simple as some might think.

i just wanna drop everything that is stressing me out and drive to the beach and watch the sunset. that stuff can wait til tomorrow.

So right now we are watching a film in Soc. about Tanzania’s fishing industry…. i think… and I really don’t understand what is going on in it.  There is a recurring theme that planes come into the country from Europe to take away fish exports but bring nothing back in return.  It is never explained what the filmmakers hope to accomplish by this.  They offer no solutions.  There’s also a theme of the hardships the fishermen face.  I guess the whole thing revolves around the fisheries there but here is where I really have a problem: the film is called Darwin’s Nightmare.  Huh?  I don’t understand how this relates to the man famous for the evolution theory. 

Does it have something to do with the Nile Perch population in Lake Victoria?  That seems to be coming up a lot.  I understand that the Perch have destroyed the other populations of fish that kept the lake clean but that seems more like an environmental issue rather than an evolutionary one.

In any case I’m just happy it’s Friday.  I’ve finished 2 presentations this week. I have one more and 2 papers due next week.  I have finals the week after that.  The winter break.  I plan to go snowboarding as much as my wallet will let me.

Food.  I’m starving right now.  Chicken strips and/or nuggets sound amazing.  With onion rings.  Oh god….

And ketchup.

With a coke.

Slash I need to get my longboard fixed.  The wheels are squeaking now and I’m pretty sure my bearings are rusty.  Add that to the checklist..

Slash there is a medium-sized group of highly annoying people sitting next to me yelling about who knows what.  Fortunately they just got told to leave.  I’m in the clear.

YouTube.  Gotta get going on that.  Once winter break starts I’m gonna be making videos up the butt.  I’m hopefully getting a camcorder for Christmas but if I don’t, no worries.  I have other means of filming.  But I’ve got two channels that I’m trying to take to “famous” status.  One collaboration channel that I’m doing with my friends called CrewEightTV and another I’m doing with my brother called TheLiteLife.  Both have awesome potential, I think, and I’m excited to get them rolling.  They’ve both been started and have had a decent response to the videos we’ve posted so far but they’re limited by the fact that they have so few videos.  Gonna change that soon.

I miss my friends too… Lately I’ve been seeing less and less of them due to school projects and assorted studying.  Not to mention the fact that I live at home so that makes it tough.  I guess I see my friends from high school a lot, which is awesome, but I don’t really see my Chapman friends too much.  I don’t really know what to do about it though.  I literally can’t afford to come to Chapman unless it’s to go to class.

But it’s ok.  Things will change for the better eventually.  Just have to push through this rough patch right now so I can make it to the other side.

just so you know, before you read this whole thing, this is entirely irrelevant to anything. i had an argument with someone, i wanted to vent. thus, this.

nothing pisses me off more than telling me to shut up. i will not. i am an extremely independent person and when i have something on my mind, i say it. …generally. some people hate me for it. that’s fine. just don’t call me disrespectful. speaking my mind is not disrespectful. especially when i can keep a level head in an argument and all you do is sit there and yell and exaggerate what you’re upset about more and more.

so we argue. me trying to defend myself and you trying to win. although you say it isn’t about winning. but how can that be when there is a part of the conversation that goes:

me: I’m just biting my tongue now so this doesn’t escalate anymore.

you: Well I’m sorry you don’t feel like you want to respect me.  How’s you’re tongue now?

that hurts. I don’t get hurt by words often because I dish it out like no other but that hurts. that last part there? that’s gloating. and the smug look on your face doesn’t make me believe that you aren’t trying to win. you back me into a corner with an argument that is reductio ad absurdum and then sit there, waiting. silent. knowing that I only have two options: call you on it, then get more senseless yelling. or accept defeat so I can get away. I’m not sure how well you actually know me, but I hate losing arguments. I cannot stand it. so for me to think the better option is surrender, something is wrong. and I see that now.

there have only been two times in my life that I’ve wanted to get away from someone. the first was no big deal. this is the second, and I can’t deal with it anymore. you are pushing me to the brink of losing faith in humanity. how can someone in your position say the things you say? and since you do, what does that mean for the rest of the world? I have met so many wonderful people. and I love them. but if one person has the capability to destroy what I used to consider a flourishing social life, why should I take the risk of getting close to anyone? they’ll just be pushed away eventually. I can’t do that to someone. it’s an awful thing to have to tell somebody that I want to spend time with them and then tell them I can’t when they ask if I’m available. it’s ridiculous.

so now I have fallen into this rut. I distance myself from everyone because I don’t know how long they’ll be around. I also feel like I have more bad and mediocre days than I do good days. the reason I know this? when a good day comes along, I recognize it instantly as something I haven’t felt in a while and my immediate first thought is “I hope this feeling lasts through the whole day.” it doesn’t. it never does.

that being said, I try to be happy. but the only way I can be happy is by making jokes. and if you’re a bitter person making jokes, you’re cynical. it makes me come off as kind of an ass hat sometimes. to anyone I have offended, I sincerely apologize. granted, you may never see this, but I am sorry. but the reason I do it is to try to lighten things up. that’s all I really mean by it. just a joke. and it works and is fine most of the time. I know that I am generally a nice person. but there are those times when I’m awfully rude and it’s because I have a little bitterness in me that won’t die.

but I have hope for the future. I believe that the future holds a change for my life somewhere. it will allow me to be the independent person I am without ridicule. without judgment. if that could happen, I could be a much happier person. but for now I have to play the cards I’m dealt. and right now I have a Jack of hearts and a five of spades and the flop was two, nine, four of clubs. I’m hoping for a Jack on the turn or the river or for that potential straight to play out. but if i don’t get either of them, I just have to wait for the next hand. and I’m about due for pocket Aces.

I have recently (ok, today) come to the realization that people are like a multi-stage rocket.  It’s obvious. Our youth is supported by our parents and we strive for independence in space.  Here’s how it works:

• Stage 1: The Launchpad.  We are a brand new rocket ready to take off, but we don’t know what we’re doing in this place.  So we are held up by the launchpad and the several support beams around us.  This is our infancy and our toddler years.
• Stage 2: Primary Ignition.  We start to realize that, like mommy and daddy, we can do things on our own. They may be simple, but they are only ours and we like that.  This is our elementary schooling.
• Stage 3: Launch.  The rockets fire.  We feel a sudden lurch toward the stars.  We get the slightest taste of independence. Of freedom.  But we are still held back.  That monster of reality we call gravity is still stronger than we are.  But we will overcome it.  This is high school up to our junior year.
• Stage 4: Primary Separation.  We started with our capsule on top of a rocket engine with two external engines attached to that.  Now those two, which we call our parents, are disengaged from the main rocket.  However, they are still close by.  This is our senior year of high school.
• Stage 5: Secondary Ignition.  We are again thrust upward with a new sense of freedom.  There is an invigorating experience and sense of vertigo as we look down and see that we are practically on our own now.  We break the atmosphere and reach the edge of space.  Peace.  We have nearly done it.  This is our freshman year of college.
• Stage 6: Secondary Separation.  We detach from the main rocket and leave it floating there in space.  We fire our directional thrusters for a short while - just enough to get us moving - and float on cautiously.  This is uncharted territory.  We know what we want out of it but we don’t know what it wants out of us, so we wait.  This is at least the rest of college.  Maybe more depending on how long it takes us to figure out where we want to go with our lives.
• Stage 7: Orbit.  Independence.  We’ve done it.  Along the way there were so many things that could have gone wrong but we’ve done it.  None of that matters now.  We’ve finally achieved autonomy.  This is our adult lives.
• Stage 8: Re-Entry. It all comes back to where it began.  Only to start again for the next generation.

These are the things I think about.

Usually when I post an entry, it’s about something political or moral.  This time, I’ve decided to post something about myself.  I’m not really sure if it’s a good thing to put this out there, but i’m going to anyways.

I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore.  For the past few weeks I have been seeing quotes and symbolism all over the place that say we should follow our dreams.  They say that there is no sense in doing something your whole life that you don’t want to do.  I personally find a lot of truth in these kinds of statements.

I am finding myself at a crossroads in life.  On the one hand is college.  The sure thing.  If I finish college then I will be able to get a job that pays well enough to support a family of my own in a nice suburban home that I will never see because I’ll be at work all day long.  I’ll end up spending more time in an office than with my family.  But at least I’ll be able to afford a comfortable life for them.

On the other hand is my dream.  I would love to become a YouTube success story with a bunch of friends.  I have the vision: we start like anyone else with a few videos. But it doesn’t end there for me.  Once the channel becomes popular, we would take it to Comedy Central or some other TV station and contract it with them.  But it’s not a sure thing.

Therein lies the problem.

My whole life I have been told that college was the only way to go if I wanted to be happy.  And then I was told that I should do whatever makes me happy in life.  These two contradict each other for me.  I am a very social person, so the social part of college is great.  But god I hate classes.  It doesn’t seem like there’s a point to them anymore.  School’s original design was to be a place of learning that people went to because they wanted to learn.  Now it is a business that, in return for you time, money, and effort, gives you a piece of paper to present at job interviews.  Granted that paper bears the weight of the work you did in school, but to what end?  To land a job that you probably won’t like.

Then the question is, why don’t I follow my dream?  If it’s something that I really want to do that badly, what is stopping me?  The answer is balls.  I have none.  I can’t get up the urge to live the dream because I am 1. afraid of the risk and 2. constantly being brainwashed into thinking that there is only one viable option in life.

I need to resolve this somehow.  I need to figure out what I really want to do and then just do it.  There is only one problem.  There are two people in my life that I have to report to.  In order for me to become truly independent, I have to become truly independent.  In my situation that would be quitting school and getting a job and moving out of my house and paying for everything on my own.  Those of you reading this who are now judging, don’t hate.  You may look down on me and think I’m being childish but you were once in my position.  You were supported before you supported yourself.  You just had an easier transition.

I don’t know what to do.  All I know is I have to get out of my house…

I just had a discussion with a classmate today about whether or not healthcare should be provided to everyone.  As we were talking the subject turned to the question of whether it was a right or a privilege.  She was an avid believer that healthcare is a right that everyone has.  I did not quite agree.  I am of the belief that healthcare itself (the programs, technology and distribution that make it possible) is a privilege while equal access to it is a right.  At first she seemed offended that I could say such a thing because she thought I was saying that I do not think healthcare should be given to just anyone, but I tried to explain to her that this was wrong.  She seemed to understand my view but still did not quite agree.  We will be discussing this later, I was told.

I would like to see what you think, so I am going to explain my view on healthcare.

I see healthcare as a resource.  It is something that is highly beneficial to those who have access to it.  It consists of several different qualities that, when meshed together, create a system that has the potential to help entire populations of people.  We have this system due to advances in technology that we have gained relatively recently.  Since healthcare is not something that people are innately born with, like the right to free speech, I do not think it can be considered a right in and of itself.  It is a privilege.  If it were a right, then it would be universally implemented across the globe.

Equal access, on the other hand, is what says that people should have the right to affordable healthcare.  Since we do, in this country, have a society that would allow for and support healthcare, we have a moral obligation to implement it.  That moral obligation is the right to equal access.  Healthcare could be readily available, should we so decide.  All we need to do is assert the right to equal access to a resource that could be easily put into effect.

To me, the distinction is clear.  Healthcare is a resource, and resources are privileges.  Equal access is innate, and anything innate is a right.

It’s like a driver’s license.  The ability to drive is a privilege.  The right to equal access is what lets anyone go to the damn DMV and take a driving test.  While you may not pass it, you still have the opportunity should you want it.  The only difference is that you wouldn’t have to take a test to get healthcare.

With that, I leave it to you.  Is healthcare a right or a privilege?

Over summer I took an introductory philosophy class and what I learned there has stuck with me and changed my entire outlook on life.

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

When the class started, I thought it was going to just be another boring class that was going to eat up my summer mornings that I could have spend sleeping in. The truth of it, though, is that I was hit in the face like one of the “Rocky” moments from Jackass 3D. …poor bastards never see it coming… ANYWAYS. After the first class I could see that this was going to be something that I would love because it was going to make me think and choose sides and defend my opinions through a logical thought process. It was a challenge.

As we went through the class, we started to understand the view of this group of people that will forever be known as “The Skeptics”. Basically their entire argument is that you can never know anything for sure, so how can we accept [insert new idea or theory]. For example, there are several theories on existence and whether or not the world around us is real and tangible or if it is just in our minds. Fascinating stuff with brilliantly crafted arguments on both sides. And then there are the skeptics. “But we don’t know for sure. So how can you say that? There is no way to be certain.” Bitches. Nobody likes a party pooper.

I digress.

Skepticism leads to frustration, is what I’m getting at. And it’s downright wrong because it teaches people to just assume that we cannot know anything. At all. WTF kind of life is that? I personally don’t think that when I am walking down the sidewalk, a slab of concrete will just disappear and I could fall into oblivion. Skeptics think that is perfectly plausible. They’re like the doomsday preachers or internet trolls of the philosophy world. I swear they’re just doing that for a reaction.

Reasoning: there is no way to beat skepticism and that is why it is so frustrating. The reason for that is you can’t fight it with logic because it’s not logical. Who sits around and says “well yes, the universe could spontaneously evaporate into nothing and I’m perfectly ok with that.” It doesn’t make sense to think like that.

Not to mention there are ways to prove existence, among other things. I had to do it for my final presentation in that class. It’s called “The Interaction Theory”. Unfortunately it leads to agnosticism, but that’s just the way the theory works. If you want to hear it, let me know.

Back to skeptics.

I think there is something we can all learn from them, and it’s not something that they preach. It’s that when we are skeptical, we begin to doubt our own selves. If that happens, we lose confidence and then productivity and happiness. It is impossible to think otherwise. If someone is truly a skeptic (which I believe there are very few) then they would just sit around at home and wait for the end because they wouldn’t believe they could control anything, and would doubt that anything even existed around them. So why would they believe in humanity, emotion, or enjoying life? The lesson to take away from them is that when you begin to doubt yourself, go outside and check to make sure the world is still in working order like it was yesterday. If so, then you can still write that symphony. You can still create that mural. You can still make it on your own. So when life gives you lemons, grab one, bring your arm back, and pitch it back at them. Then take the rest and make delicious lemonade and don’t let them have any.

Skepticism, friends, is just another word for someone who doesn’t like to be wrong. It’s illogical. If you believe in something, don’t let the skeptic stop you from asserting those beliefs. There are strong arguments for any position on any issue, I believe, so find them and defend yourself. It is when we defend ourselves, rather than having others defend us, that we are truly capable of independence.